Sunday, August 17, 2008

rubix cube

At the moment my life feels like a rubix cube. All the colors are messed up, nothing is in line, etc. I work hard to turn the right corner and voila! one line of colors matches up! Then I turn the next corner and things are jumbled again. So I keep turning corners. Sometimes the colors line up, other times they seem more confused then ever. Some days I wonder, 'Why do I even bother? These colors will never be set straight.' But then God reminds me that the rubix cube is in His hands. I may think I'm the one turning things, but in reality He's the one who's in control. I can only trust that one day He will line up all the colors and everything will be made right.
As I've just illustrated, it seems like every day there's some new direction or change in my situation here. Last week I saw 2 new doctors, both of which had totally different ideas of what's wrong wtih me and what to do. After a misunderstanding over my bloodwork, one of the doctors dropped me. So now I'm down to one doctor again. He wants more bloodwork still. It seems every day I pray for wisdom about what to do with all these decisions. Tomorrow I'm supposed to get the bloodwork done, so tonight I have to decide which blood tests to do and which to leave out. I've also started the allergy skin testing for molds, which hopefully will be helpful once I get on the allergy shots. However, it will take at least 2 more weeks for me to complete the skin testing just for molds. So I have to make decisions about that too.
I've been talking with other patients here, which is also helpful, though at times confusing. The general consensus is that most of the doctors here have actually made people worse. There's only one doctor who so far I've heard good things about, but he's also the one who can see certain things around people (a little scary if you ask me). It's frustrating to see how many people have gone through so much and still not been helped. Most of them end up doing their own research and essentially treating themselves. I really don't want to earn my amateur doctor's degree through extensive study...but maybe that's something I should be doing.... Only God knows. I know He wants me to be willing to do whatever HE wants me to do. It's just a lot easier in theory than practice. =/ I have learned a lot since we've been here, but as far as what the outcome of all this will be, I'm still uncertain. I know my Father knows, and I trust His care even when it doesn't make sense.
Anyway, that's how things stand today, but you never know what will happen, 'As the rubix cube turns...." =)

1 comment:

Mrs said...

Joanna, your illustration explains it perfectly. I'm so sorry to hear that the doctors seem to be mainly "practicing" instead of helping! How frustrating for you!

Pastor Ron's message was so excellent today. I hope you can get a copy of it. Write it down. ;-)

Also, my favorite youth pastor made a wonderful announcement today! Praise!