"On hearing this, Jesus said to them, 'It is not the healthy who need a doctor, but the sick. I have not come to call the righteous, but sinners.'" -Mark 2:17
I read this verse today and felt convicted by the obvious truth in it - that those who are sick need a doctor. After so many years of going to doctors who couldn't help me or even made me worse, I've developed a bit of an attitude toward doctors in general. Yet, the Lord reminded again that I do need a doctor. So I prayed He would lead me to the right one and help me to have a right attitude about it.
And of course, I immediately got an opportunity to put my prayer into practice. Yesterday my mom called a doctor who works part time at the clinic here, but she also has another office about 15 minutes away. She wanted us to come to her office today to see if I'd be ok there. So this morning we drove over. It had some chemical smells in it (carpet, etc.), but it didn't make me nearly as sick as the clinic does. Dr. Katharine was there, so we met her and talked for a few minutes. Unfortunately, in those few minutes she made a very bad impression on me, and my bad attitude quickly returned.
It's very difficult to explain to anyone who hasn't been through a similar experience what it's like to walk in my shoes. (I'm sure that's true of every individual going through hard circumstances.) Some of the doctors I've been to have been sympathetic and kind, even if they couldn't help me. Others have been insensitive, thus adding to my dislike of doctors in general. This doctor made the mistake of asking me if I really want to get well. (I told my mom if one more doctor asks me that I'm going to throw something at them!...well, maybe I won't....) It's just so frustrating to talk to a doctor for 3 minutes and have them imply that I don't really want to get better, that my negative attitude is what's making me feel sick, not an actual physical problem, etc. How can you expect a patient to have confidence in a doctor who thinks like that?
Anyway, after being mad for a while and venting to my mom, the Lord reminded me I needed to forgive. And I need to trust Him that if this is the doctor HE wants me to work with, then He will give me the grace for it. After all, it was kind of her to agree to see me at her other office, and maybe I misjudged her in those few minutes just like she misjudged me. (At least I hope so.)
Sometimes I get so sick of all the frustrations in my small life. I long to be set free from them. But I suppose in essence, that is a selfish attitude, because I know that God can display His grace through them, if I let Him. I definitely need prayer to keep a right attitude, mainly that it's not about ME. It's about God and what He wants to do. And even though doctors are far from perfect, I know God can still use them, if I can keep a good attitude toward them. =) Attitude truly does make all the difference.
So, my mom is typing a long letter to this doctor all about me. Maybe it will help her have a more accurate picture of my situation. She said she'll try to schedule an appointment for me on Monday. In the meantime, I didn't get in to see Dr. Johnson this week, so I'll be seeing him on the 13th after all. In view of that, and Dr. Katharine's comments, it looks like we'll be here for a couple more weeks at least. It's not what I wanted, but I know God's grace is sufficient to change my attitude so that I will want what HE wants. I sure am glad He puts up with me, bad attitudes and all. =)
In the meantime, we've been trying to find things to do here in Dallas so we're not cooped up in the apratment all day. Yesterday we went to see this special mustang sculpture in Irving. It was really amazing! I told my mom I need "horse therapy." =) I'd love to find a place where I could ride a horse for 15 minutes, but I doubt we'll find anything. We'll see. The adventure continues...guided by God's loving hand.